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"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
- Aeschylus
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- Robert Frost
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Living Through Grief
by: TMFC (Joi)
If you're reading these words, the possibility that you are in pain is great. And for that, I am profoundly sorry. I've been where you are more than once and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't have the words to take the pain away - believe me, I wish I did. No one can remove pain that comes from grieving for a lost one. The only thing that would ease the pain would be to have them back with us, and we all know that's impossible, this side of Heaven. All one can, honestly, do is just get through it with as much of their life intact as possible.
That's what this article is about. I hope to provide you with a few things I've learned from my own experiences, without making it about MY losses, because right now I'm the most concerned about YOUR loss(es).
First of all, if there are ANY traces of guilt or regret - get them out of the way. Immediately. When someone we love passes, our minds automatically put them on a pedastal. Our hearts tell us they were perfect, without flaws, wronged by all, etc. But, in our minds, we know they were human - flesh and blood, just like the rest of us. And just like us, they had faults. It was often their faults that gave them their "character" or made them a "character!" Ask yourself, "If I had passed away first, would (your loved one) have felt guilty about anything?" (past fights, etc.) The answer would be, "Of course." Now ask yourself, "Would I want them to feel guilt?" The answer would be, "Of course not!"
Human relationships are never, ever perfect. Actually, the closer you are to someone, the less perfect they will be. Never allow guilt or regrets to cloud your mind - your loved one would HATE to be remembered in that way. They'd want you to think only about the happy times: the smiles and the laughter. Again ask yourself, if you were to pass away, would you want memories of you to bring tears and feelings of sadness or smiles and feelings of joy.
Second of all, be patient and give yourself time. Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel as though your grief should be less than it is. No one can possibly tell another person how to feel. Your emotions are your own. The healing process, after losing a loved one, is a slow one. With each passing month, the pain gets more bearable, but it certainly doesn't go away. It takes months to even be able to think about the person without tears. Even after a year, you may see or hear something that reminds you of them, and you'll find tears running down your face.
When it comes to holdiays, expect the "first" holiday without this person to be extremely hard. Staying busy, and focusing on your loved ones will get you through these times - but not without a few tears. That's to be expected.
As I've said, give yourself plenty of time to grieve. But having said that, I want to warn you to watch out for something. Many people fall into a trap of not being able to let go of a loss. They fight against the healing process, as though getting on the road to healing signifies a lack of love or grief for their loved one. This would be, OF COURSE, the last thing their loved one would want. Yet so many people hang on to pain and clutch to losses as though they're life preservers. In actuality, they're anything but, and will rob the person of the very essence of life.
Allow yourself time to grieve, but also allow yourself to move on. Realize that there will be pretty good days and there will be horrible days, when it feels as though the bottom of your world has fallen right off. You'll feel empty and helpless, and will mentally try to "undo" what happened by saying, "If I had done this..." or "If I had done that...." When you begin to fall into that trap, literally shake the thoughts out of your head and find something else to do.
Stay busy. Stay busy. Stay busy.
When you need a good cry, find a quiet room, and have a great one. Then, get up, dry your eyes, and........
Stay busy. Stay busy. Stay busy.
About The Author:
Feel free to use the above article on your own website or blog. All we ask is that you leave the paragraph below intact and the links active. Thanks!
The Mental Fitness Center and Out of Bounds are devoted to helping our visitors get the best that life has to offer. Life is what you make it and we want to help you with your masterpiece!
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joi@thementalfitnesscenter.com
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